So at the end of the relationship with V, 27, HR Data Analyst, I was more annoyed than anything else. I dealt with this in the usual way, I bitched about it to my friends, ate some maccas (and some red rooster…), then I ate some chocolate (actually I did scarf down the chocolate I got from him for my birthday in defiance).
But then I figured, screw this, there are heaps of fish in the eHarmony sea! Clearly, it had worked the first time I used it – I dated someone. Admittedly it didn’t work out, but the point was I dated someone. Which meant there were more someones out there just waiting to screw me over. And basically, when I decide to do something, I usually get it done and make sure it’s done right. Or at least half-assed. So 1. I was going to do my best to see if there was someone I could be in a real relationship with; and, 2. I wasn’t going to settle for something half-assed.
I got back on the eHarmony horse. Going back into my eHarmony account (I don’t know if you can ever get rid of an eHarmony account – I may potentially forever be out there in the online dating world!) showed me that there were 162 guys waiting for me to check out their profiles (it took a while for me to find the “stop sending matches” setting). Luckily I had nothing better to do, so I applied the strictest and quickest shortlisting of my life:
- No one in their 40s (that puts them as closer to my parent’s age than they are to mine).
- No one who hadn’t been online in over a week (it tells you roughly when the person was last “active”).
- I revised my previous “mustn’t have animals” to an “I’ll take antihistamines for the first few dates, see if he’s worth it and go from there”. Again, I don’t hate animals. Just the allergies-thing makes it hard. Although I recently got sent a very cute picture of a calf that got an “awwww” out of me. Who knows, maybe I’m just not a domesticated animal person? Every time I watch Attenborough I think that baby elephants are the cutest. And baby lions. And baby monkeys. Oh and baby polar bears. Actually my love of nature documentaries clearly proves I fall into some kind of “I like animals” category. “I like animals…when they’re on my tv screen”. “I like animals…when I can hear the dulcet tones of David Attenborough talking about their mating habits”. “I like animals…when there’s a python about to swallow an entire antelope whole”. Anyway, I digress. The point is, I was no longer wary of guys with a profile picture of them and their dog.
- I also revised my wariness of guys with kids. In my mind I figured a guy with a kid might be more stable and not just out for a “fling”. As long as there were no crazy exes.
I also took the time to read the eHarmony “advice”. Which is insane and should not be read by anyone. They advise that their matching process is so amazing that you should communicate with every single match you get sent. Seriously. Guess they’re working on the honour system in thinking that people never lie in their profiles or their personality questions…
Their reasoning is that not everyone will reply to communication. I agree. However by their reasoning, beggars can’t be choosy. Normally I’d agree, in this situation I don’t. Even by my culling and allowing for non-responses, I ended up with more responses than I could handle. Which was bizarre. I didn’t have that many responses the first time on the eHarmony merry-go-round. I had made only one change in my profile: My original profile picture had me as a blonde. I looked good in the picture (I RARELY look good in photos, so when I get one where I actually look ok, I’m allowed to say it). But in one of my recent inspirational changes, I’d dyed my hair to brown. And because I really don’t like the idea of lying on my profile (expecting a blonde, get a brunette, expecting a guy in his 30s, get a guy in his 60s…that type of thing), I changed my profile picture in a quick decision to one where I have brown hair, am wearing my glasses, definitely no type of “posing” shot …and this is the photo that gets more responses??
Straight up, I received an email from M, 39, divorced 2 children, who sent me this email:
Hi Steph! Looking through your profile made me feel young again I’m a kind, gentle old soul who could teach you a thing or two would love to talk, M
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Yeah I just bet you’d love to talk. The winky face at the end seemed to imply that what he wanted to teach me was that he was close to 40 and wanted to be able to tell his mates that he’d slept with some chick in her 20s. Just reading that made me feel violated.
This might surprise you, but I chose not to respond. Anyone who just said “No, he sounded sweet!”, I’m sorry but we can no longer be friends.
And anyway, I had other responses from guys who hadn’t yet done stuff to creep me out.